Despite having had many jobs and knowing in my heart that I put 110% effort into everything I do, annual reviews still scare the absolute crap out of me. I bring this up because I am supposed to finish writing my review tonight, and I’m having a hard time doing it. Obviously, I’d rather write about writing my review than actually buckle down and write it.
What’s all the fear about? I know I’m doing a good job. If I wasn’t, I would have heard about it by now. I know I’m going to get at least a small raise, so this review can only be a good thing. At the very worst, there will be some discussion about things I need to work on, which is really just an opportunity for me to get better at my job. I like getting better at stuff. It’s my favorite.
So seriously. Why all the fear?
I am relatively self-aware, and I have a pretty good understanding of my shortcomings. Rarely am I surprised by criticism from a supervisor, because I’m usually already all over it. I guess I just suffer from that deep-seeded human fear that someone else can see through me. I want to be perfect, yet I know I’m not. Something about someone else pointing it out makes it that much scarier.
Oh, and I have been slightly traumatized by my last job where we did these fun things called 360-degree reviews. It’s where the entire staff writes about you and your boss reads all of the comments back to you verbatim. It’s a little shocking. For those of you out there who supervise others, I do not recommend this. It’s terrifying and can be extremely surprising. I think there is much to be gained from learning how you are perceived, but it’s a lot for the ego to take. It sure does knock you down a few pegs while making you stronger, though.
So, I’ll stop procrastinating and write my review. So far, I’ve been rather hard on myself in it, but that’s how we get better, right? And here’s hoping that I’m nearing the age where evaluations are no longer scary. I’m sure that has to happen sometime in life. Something about self-actualization?